What to pack in your hospital bag...realistically.

I don't know about you, but I agonised over my hospital bag for months. I wrote lists, and rewrote lists and whittled the lists down then added to them. It was slightly therapeutic and made me feel in control - its something I do for all trips I'm taking. In fact when I went on holiday as a child, I would pack my suitcase about a month in advance.

However as it would turn out, my labour and delivery was pretty out of control and as it turns out, I didn't use 90% of the things in my bag. In fact, I left most of them at home anticipating a long labour and expecting Paul to come wandering in through the door in the morning with my bag of make up and contact lenses so I could look fresh as a daisy to deliver our daughter. Instead my official labour was about 4 hours long and Paul only just made it to the hospital to be there for the birth.

Here's how it actually went...

Hospital Bag

-Dressing gown

Yeah ok this was used but not often. I spent a lot of time in my knickers and sweatpants. Mostly because my dressing gown is actually a really nice light grey colour and there are a lot of fluids during labour and delivery. A LOT.

Large t-shirt and comfy bottoms

Note how I started this list fairly realistic?

'Big sexy pants'

I mean, I had good intentions but I actually wore those free mesh hospital pants the entire time after delivering Evie. So hideous but so comfy. And no matter how big you think the pants you bought are, they are not big enough to house maternity pads.

Swimwear

I didn't even see the sign for the birth pool let alone get to give birth in it. A water birth was my idea of a perfect birth but it just didn't happen. In fact, the midwives didn't even know I wanted one (mostly because they didn't read my birth plan AT ALL but that's a different story).

Toothbrush and toothpaste

These finally came out of the bag on the 2nd day in hospital. Thank you gum.

Hairbrush and hairbands

My hair lived in a topknot, unbrushed and unwashed.

Pineapple juice and water

I read that pineapple juice stimulated the uterus and promoted contractions?! I actually ended up drinking it after I gave birth when I was sick of lukewarm hospital squash. The water however was a lifesaver. I was so damn thirsty throughout my labour. What I will say is, bring a large water bottle because those tiny hospital cups just don't cut it when you're growling at your partner to JUST GET MORE WATER.

Snacks

Nobody wants to eat an organic protein bar during labour. Nobody.

Birthplan and maternity notes

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Microwave heat bag/hot water bottle

Because I obviously thought that contractions would be like period cramps. LOL.

Make-up bag

I think I maybe managed a bit of lip balm on the day I was discharged

Contact lenses/glasses

Well I took my contact lenses out to go to bed. But I instead went into very fast active labour. So my glasses fell down the toilet while I was being sick and were tossed aside from then on. One of the first things I said to Paul after Evie was born was "can you pass me some contacts because I can't see her".

Books/magazines

I still have magazines left over from the day Evie was born because when you're not feeding/changing/gazing at your newborn, you're sleeping. Not reading bloody Grazia.

Cleanser and flannel

I rarely use make up wipes but this was an exception

Blanket for dad

Paul went home every night because he just "couldn't get comfortable on the hospital recliner". Yeah well I just pushed an 8lb baby out of my twinkle with only gas and air sweetheart so I think I trump you on that one.

Pillow

I found this very comforting actually, a bit of home away from home and doubled as a nursing pillow which is completely did not use at all.

Razor

I didn't brush my teeth for over 24 hours you really think I had time to shave my legs?

Camera

Yeah phones exist and everything but I'm old fashioned when it comes to capturing first moments. And turns out the hospital photographer doesn't work on weekends. Cheers for coming on a Saturday Evie.

Thank you cards and cookies for midwives

We accidentally left a few bits at the hospital so went back a few days later to pick it up. I dropped a card in then - the midwives didn't even realise I'd been in and had a baby. And lets be honest if I'm making cookies, I'm eating them myself.

This was just me though, I think everyone's different. And it's so much fun preparing that bag and having it sit in the hallway from 37 weeks all ready to go. However all I will say is you do not need exfoliator in there. I promise. 

e,x

8 things you will learn whilst on maternity leave...

1) You will become really very passionately angry about parking spaces. 

Oh ok cool so your kids about 16. You definitely need that extra room *glares angrily, slowly shaking head*. 

And don't even get me started on people who park in parent and child without a kid full stop. Just. Don't. 

2) You will not go to bed without a kids tv show theme tune in your head on repeat. 

*ah finally, sweet sweet slumber I can't wait to get maybe 5 hours sleep tops...PAW PATROL PAW PATROL WE'LL BE THERE ON THE DOUBLE* 

3) Being a stay at home mum is expensive. In fact, I'm not sure who coined the term stay at home mum because when you've got a clingy, whinging 10 month old, the last thing you want is to be cooped up indoors; with piles of washing staring you in the face. Sometimes what you need is the bright, shiny, distracting lights of Tesco. And those trips often result in buying stuffed dinosaurs you were using to distract said 10 month old, because she's chewed the tag and dribbled on its face (yes, that happened). 

4) You will engage in hot debate about Peppa Pig with other parents. 

Why does everyone call Daddy Pig, Daddy Pig? He's not everyone's daddy? Why does Mrs Rabbit seem to hold every job in town? Why is she not called Mummy Rabbit? How does George put up with Peppa's shit every damn episode? Why do they all live on such steep hills? 

5) Now this is a bit of a weird one, but you end up on the floor a lot. At least, I do. If I go anywhere with Evie, I'll start on a chair and finish on the floor. Health visitor appointment? She finished up the paperwork cross legged on a snake rug. Meeting with my uni lecturer? We were all on the floor. I believe I actually lay down at one point. I can't explain why this happens, it just feels natural now. 

6) 7am is a lay in. You want to punch people who whinge about getting up for work at 8. I'd stand on Lego once a day for the rest of my life if it meant I got to sleep in until 8. 

7) You learn and can recognise the regulars at baby groups. The oversharer. The perpetually tired one. The one who looks far too put together for 9am on a Monday. The one who's constantly running after the speed crawler. The bragger. It goes on. 

8) You learn who your true friends are. The harsh truth is, friends show their true colours when you have a baby. And although they think they can just pop back into your life after a year and your child will magically like them as much as you do, it doesn't work that way. Kids have favourites. Namely those who are around often, and they feel safe with. But you also make new friends, and they're pretty damn great.